Pondering

Lately I have had so many things going on that I feel like I have been going non stop trying to get everything accomplished! I have been pondering all these things going on around me, things going on in my life, things going on inside me that I have no control over. I have a very large tendency to worry about things way more than I should. My husband has given me the title of "Worry Wort" :) Which it is sadly true! I do worry, I don't do well with not knowing what is coming my way! With this surgery only a week away and my husbands cross training months away, the unknown is not for from me! I don't like the unknown! I am scared of it, and that fear sometimes turns to frustration because I can't control what is coming.

In my pondering's I have found many things out about myself, things that have come to light recently. I have been very angry at the world. Angry for reasons that make no sense to anyone but me. The thing with anger is that it can drive people away, which can cause fear. Fear that my anger will drive the people I live away. I know that my emotions are in hyper-drive!!!! I was told by my pastor and his wife that chronic pain can go hand in hand with anger, which if you think about it kind makes sense. (maybe to me because I live it! ;) )

My anger isn't a fit of rage, or a type that will hurt anyone. It is more a anger at the pain, the body that I feel is giving out on me. I tend to lash out with my words to whomever is nearest to me. My husband has been taking the brunt of it and I feel horrible about it! I am working with someone to talk through it and praying really hard that God can help me get through this emotional roller coaster.

As I sit here and write this I think about what matters in life, and to be honest what matters the most is what we do for God. But tonight we went and saw the new movie Act of Valor. It has real active Navy Seals in it. It was powerful. It brought me to tears. As a military wife, and family member it brings me back to reality. Our Military gives so much for our country. We should support them, show them we care, pray for them, and most of all, lead them to Jesus. When I watch a military funeral on TV it always makes me cry. Mostly because I know that most military men and women may not be saved, and it strikes close to home too.

When I think about all these things going on, and then I think about my husband, and friends. The people that are going through so much more than me, it all seems pretty insignificant.