Getting prepared!

This week I have been focused on cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning!!! I have never been more tired of cleaning in my life!!!! I wanted my house to be completely spotless before I left for surgery so that my husband didn't have to do it! But boy is it exhausting! Although it is nice to come home to a nice clean feeling and a clean smell! In two days I have manged to almost clean my entire house! Yay me!

I also have had to finish my class work for a certification program that I started last year! I am almost done with that, I have finished my sewing projects, and still managed to function! Wow, only with God's help is all I can say! All I need to finish now is take my final for my class, go to the grocery store and clean my bathroom! pack my bags and I am ready for this next adventure God has prepared! It is so nice to know that I have a God that is taking care of me! He is providing in ways that are unimaginable to me! Now all I have to do is make it through the next five days, which are going to be tough!, and the Lord will make my back better!

I just don't understand..maybe that is the point

Have you ever felt that you just don't understand why things are going a certain way, and that it seems like it could be going better? Well that is how I am feeling lately... I know we have a lot of good things about to happen for us and I know they are REALLY good things but at the same time there are all these little things that creep up that I feel could go better. Like today for example, I woke up with a sore throat and a runny nose, well if I get sick before this surgery they will have to postpone it. Which may not sound bad to some people, but that is not good for me! I feel like this couldn't have happened at a worse time! I have been doing everything in my power to fight it off today but atlas, its in God's hands not mine. You see, that is the hard part to swallow! The fact that it is in His hands an not mine! The fact that I don't control what happens! Maybe God wants me to not understand, maybe he wants me to just fall apart and say "OK fine, I get it!" Maybe He wants us to know that he has a hold us of at every given moment in our lives! Yes, things are not going exactly as I would like, but they are going as God would like them to!

Pondering

Lately I have had so many things going on that I feel like I have been going non stop trying to get everything accomplished! I have been pondering all these things going on around me, things going on in my life, things going on inside me that I have no control over. I have a very large tendency to worry about things way more than I should. My husband has given me the title of "Worry Wort" :) Which it is sadly true! I do worry, I don't do well with not knowing what is coming my way! With this surgery only a week away and my husbands cross training months away, the unknown is not for from me! I don't like the unknown! I am scared of it, and that fear sometimes turns to frustration because I can't control what is coming.

In my pondering's I have found many things out about myself, things that have come to light recently. I have been very angry at the world. Angry for reasons that make no sense to anyone but me. The thing with anger is that it can drive people away, which can cause fear. Fear that my anger will drive the people I live away. I know that my emotions are in hyper-drive!!!! I was told by my pastor and his wife that chronic pain can go hand in hand with anger, which if you think about it kind makes sense. (maybe to me because I live it! ;) )

My anger isn't a fit of rage, or a type that will hurt anyone. It is more a anger at the pain, the body that I feel is giving out on me. I tend to lash out with my words to whomever is nearest to me. My husband has been taking the brunt of it and I feel horrible about it! I am working with someone to talk through it and praying really hard that God can help me get through this emotional roller coaster.

As I sit here and write this I think about what matters in life, and to be honest what matters the most is what we do for God. But tonight we went and saw the new movie Act of Valor. It has real active Navy Seals in it. It was powerful. It brought me to tears. As a military wife, and family member it brings me back to reality. Our Military gives so much for our country. We should support them, show them we care, pray for them, and most of all, lead them to Jesus. When I watch a military funeral on TV it always makes me cry. Mostly because I know that most military men and women may not be saved, and it strikes close to home too.

When I think about all these things going on, and then I think about my husband, and friends. The people that are going through so much more than me, it all seems pretty insignificant.

Where there is a WILL there is a WAY!

The title of the sermon tonight was "Where there is a Will, there is a Way." That got me thinking of how true that is in my life! I have always been what most people call stubborn, or hard headed. I don't consider myself either one. I see myself as a fighter, independent, self-sufficient. That is also what my parents would call the "Bass Blood" coming out in me! I like to do thing on my own, I have never been the type of person to come out and admit that I need help with something. I will be the first person that jumps to help someone else though, but when it comes to my needs, well let's just say..."I got it!" Here lately with all this pain I have been in it has been such a struggle for me to be the independent person that I am. I have had to depend on my husband and my family, and yes sometimes my co-workers for help. It's hard for me to step back and say I can't do it all on my own anymore. Having people tell me to let them know if there is anything they can do for us when we get home from the hospital is something that I have a hard time answering! I want to be dependent, I want us to be able to handle it on our own, but I know that we wont be able to, and that God has placed wonderful people in our lives for a reason!

The most amazing realization that I have had this week is that this dependency on people is almost over! The Lord is going to allow me to be myself again! I have fought my way through and made a way, I had the will power and the drive to make it and I did! I feel like I am almost at the end of the road on a long journey. The idea that I can be somewhat normal after this surgery is amazing to me! I think I have forgotten what normal is. I guess I will find out soon ;)

Another realization I have had is that Where There was God's WILL, God made a WAY! Praise The LORD! God has provided for us in ways that are beyond our expectations!

When we finally gave up on our will and gave in to His will, things began to happen! It's so exciting to see the power if God at work all around us! I only hope that people can look at us and see that the best thing anyone can do in life is give up on your own plan and your own will, and give in to God's plan and God's will. You will see wonders that will amaze you!

God Working!

Isn't it amazing to sit back and watch God work! I have been told many times in my life that I need to just let go and sit back and let God take care of things, let Him answer my prayers. The past several weeks has been so awesome! It has been one after the other! We got the call about Jon being able to retrain (huge answer!) and then yesterday at the surgeons office we got another answer!

When the surgeon walked in and looked at my MRI he said "Well the good news is, we can fix this." I was just in utter shock! He was completely ready to operate and fix my disc, without any hesitation to my age! I was so happy I couldn't think of the questions I wanted to ask or anything! It took me several seconds to pull myself back together and realize that it was not a dream! This is real, this is what I have been hoping for! Relief from this prison of pain! After he explained everything and we asked all our questions and he left to get the nurse to schedule the surgery, I put my hands over my face and just wanted to weep. Jon looked at me and said "Don't cry! this is good!" I told him that I was so happy I just wanted to cry. I am so happy that finally someone can see that I have exhausted every option and that I need relief. I am happy that some one is willing to do something about it!

So I am scheduled to have the surgery on March the 6th, in three weeks! I have a lot to get done in three weeks! I need to make sure my husband is ready to take care of the house and cook until I am back up on my feet. I need to finish my homework and get this certification course done by then! finish making my pillow I am working on, and hopefully finish my friends pants. If they come in on time. It is going to be a crazy chaotic three weeks! But I know that my Great God is supplying my every need, and all I had to do was turn it over to Him! What an amazing couple weeks it has been just watching God work in our lives!

Vows..

Tonight my husband and I went on a date. It was our Valentines date since we will be traveling the day after Valentines. We went to dinner and saw the new movie "The Vow." I must say, it was not what I expected, but it was a touching story that could have ended better but at least it didn't end sad! the whole story is focused on a husband who is so in love with his wife that he is completely devoted to her. They have a love that is "a once in a lifetime love," until one day a car accident takes her memory and it is gone.

I could not even imagine forgetting being in love with my husband! how horrible is that! Anyway, the point I want to make is that he didn't want to quit, he was committed. He was so in love that he wanted her back. I feel like that should be how I need to look at this fight, as a vow to myself and my husband. Not a marriage vow, but a vow that I will fight till the bitter end. I will not give up. When the rain pours and the winds blow I will stand. I will stand because I know that my husband has vowed to stand with me till death do us part. He deserves for me not to quit! A vow is a pledge and should not be broken, I will not break this one.

I know I have not written much this past week, it has been a hard one for me. My back has been so bad that I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to stay in bed and just do nothing but cry. Those are the days that I remember that I have made this vow, that my husband needs me, my family needs me, my friends need me. I can not give up. So yes, I went to a Love story movie and got inspiration out of it! Who would have thunk it!?!?!

Change in the wind

Sometimes change is just what the doctor ordered. Although not everyone deals with change the same, change is still sometimes the answer to what we need. For me, Change is good and it is coming sooner than I could have imagined!

Several months ago Jon applied for retraining within the Air Force. We thought they had decided to not accept him and that his chance of retraining was gone. We prayed for months for God's will to be done and felt like that maybe it was for Jon to not retrain. But, today we got the answer that God is AWESOME God!!!!!!!! He is allowing Jon to retrain into paralegal! we are so excited that we can not find the words to express!

It is a nerve racking, exciting, heart pounding time for me right now. I know that change in on the horizon and it is coming fast, but my fears are outweighing my joys. I have to keep telling myself that God is in control, He has the bigger picture. He sees the entire plan for my life. I have no idea what will happen in the coming months, but God does and he has got our lives in his hands! He is the master potter, molding our lives into what he wants.

So change is in the winds for the Rector's... we don't know what it is, but we do know who holds us! So please be in prayer for us as we go through these couple months that We can get through them and that God guides us to where he wants us!

An energetic day!

So today I went to the doctor for follow up and the doctor decided that he would give me B12 pills, hoping that it would give me some energy. I took the pills this morning and surprisingly, they have made me feel "alive" as I would like to call it. I had so much energy at work, I was more awake! It was not a day without pain, but It was a day with energy which is good! Then I found out that I got a raise, and a small bonus at work! So all in all it was a good day! I have not had a good day in a long time!

I was told by my boss, concerning work, that it is not how you start but how you finish. That phrase has stuck with me. It's not how I have started this journey but how I am going to finish! I am going to finish strong!