Defining moments

Sometimes we all have those moments in life where we can look back and say that at that exact moment are life changed, or at that exact moment we made a decision that changed something in our lives. I can say that I have only had a few, but I can say that here recently I have had some defining moments as far as my health and my life go!

When we decided to go ahead with this surgery it was definitely a life changing decision. I had no idea how hard this recovery was going to be! I knew that it would take some time to get my strength back and time to walk again, but I never dreamed that it would be like this! This journey that I started this year has been hard, this leg of it has been the hardest by far!

Because of the healing process that needs to take place in my back I cant take my anti-inflammatory (aka: anti- swelling :) ) medicine for the arthritis for six months! I also cant take the other medication until 8 weeks after the surgery. So needless to say that the last five and a half weeks have been utter torture for me! The pain from my back may be better but I have pain in my legs that is almost unbearable! I have to ice my feet multiple times a day because they are so swollen. My legs and feet look like pregnant people feet!

On Monday it will be six weeks since my surgery and I am still having to use a walker/cane to get around because I have limited balance on my own and my legs hurt so badly! I am still in therapy trying to get full use of my own to legs and full strength back which absolutely kicking my butt! Things have just been rough around these parts! My defining moment was last week on Wednesday I was sitting in church and talking to my mom about shopping for matching outfits and I thought to myself that I did not want to have a walker when I did that! and that was it! My moment when I said I want to go to therapy and tell them to get me off that thing! So I did, and they put me on a cane and started me toward a goal. Goals are what drive us toward our future! Goals are what drive us to our defining moments!

I try not to complain but sometimes it just comes natural ;) I know that right now I am living on prayer and God's strength because I am just about out! I have been so blessed to have my amazing husband who has been doing all the housework and cooking and anything that I need done! I am also blessed to have my parents here, if not for my dad I would not get where I needed to go! We have been blessed with an awesome Church family who provided meals for a week or two and amazing friends! Without the support I don't know how we would be getting through this at all! So I want to say thank you to all of you who have helped us and have prayed for us and loved on us because we have needed every bit of it and we love you all!

A slow progress

It has been one week and one day since my surgery and my grandma, my parents, and my husband tell me I am doing really well. I am having trouble, I have my good days and my bad days and I feel like I am doing good and then I feel like I am doing bad. I am able to walk around pretty good with my walker and walk iffy without it, I can shower almost by myself; I only need a little bit of help washing my back and my incisions, I can also get myself in and out of bed and go to the bathroom by myself. I am a very independent person naturally, so I have a desire to get back to my independence! It is hard for me to ask for help, even though I know that I need it.

The last couple nights I have had trouble with my sleep. I have had some really bad leg pains, not just in the right leg but also in my left leg. The right leg is going to take me a while to get complete control back because that is the side that the surgeon went in on and the nerves were moved around and that large muscle was moved as well. Since the nerves and that muscle were moved around, the site around the incision and down into my thigh and my side are partly numb. I am having trouble moving that leg and walking on it, but I am trying. My left leg hurts from my fibro so that has nothing to do with the surgery, at least I don't think it does!

So far I guess when I look at the big picture, where God has put me and what could have happened, I am doing pretty good! I am so thankful for what God has allowed to happen in my life :) Although this week has not been the easiest so far, it has been a teaching week for me and Jon. God is teaching us how to be a couple while being apart, which is not easy! Thank heaven for technology! WE have talked several times a day, and he bought me an IPad yesterday! So we got to face time from the IPad to my IPhone! It was neat! I am excited about getting to play with it this weekend!

First Hospital Stay & Major Surgery

This week has been the first time I have had an major surgery. I must say, I was VERY scared! God was good as always and he provided as always and took care of me as always!

Sunday afternoon we traveled to Anna, Tx. to spend the evening with my grandparents since my surgery was early in the morning on Monday. I did not get any sleep that night, partly because I was afraid that I was going to oversleep my alarm, and partly because I was anxious about the operation! When the alarm went off at 3:30 a.am I shut mine off an snoozed Jon's. I eventually got up at 3:50 and decided I would wash my face and brush my teeth and get dressed. By time I was done with that Jon was awake and getting dressed. I was ready to spend some time in prayer and read my Bible before I went and got cut open! After all that, We loaded up the car and headed to the hospital.

Once we found the hospital and got me registered I called my mom. My mom prayed with me and talked with me to calm me down, I was very nervous, and told me she loved me and hung up. By then it was almost time for us to go up to the day surgery area and get situated to get ready for the surgery. Once we were in the holding room, and I had gotten changed, and into the bed and under the nice warm blanket, it was freezing in there!, I did some praying of my own in my head!Jon and I talked and hung out and waited until my grandma got there and then we hung with here. My grandma's pastor came by around 7 that morning and talked with me and prayed with all of us. It was so nice of him to come! After my iv was in and my blood was drawn, we waited some more. The doctor had an emergency so we had to wait on that. He finally came in and talked with me and very shortly after that the nurses came by and said they were ready for me.

It was around 9:15 or so when they rolled my bed out of holding and I told Jon I loved him. I watched the halls pass as we went to the OR, and when we got to the OR all I remember is the doctors and the equipment and them putting me on the table and that was all. Then I remember waking up in recovery and being completely confused and didn't know where I was! I couldn't talk because my throat hurt and I was saying things but the words were not coming out! Then I saw a nurse and it hit me where I was and what was going on! I was trying to ask for water but the words wouldn't come out, but fortunately the nurse understood me! I remember being very shaky and almost felt like I was having a panic attack and them having to give me something for it. Then around 1 p.m I remember looking at the clock and being in my room, and there were a bunch of people working on the tv, apparently the dvd player was not working!, and then I was in and out all day.

The days after that are very clear for me, but I know that I was in some serious pain! I did not want to move, or get out of the bed. the second day the therapist tried to sit me up and it made me so dizzy and sick that he had to lay me back down! I eventually was able to get up and move. and walk with help or a walker. I have very little strength in my legs. I also have very little balance right now. The doctor has me doing rehab for a couple weeks. I must say that my bladder is having a hard time recovering from the catheter! LOL I am not doing as well as the doctors would have liked, which is why I need to stay in Texas with my grandma for a while to do rehab. I am, however doing better than I thought I would be doing! I am able to do some things on my own, but of course there are things that are going to be hard considering I just had major back surgery! Praise the Lord that I am not paralyzed or anything worse!

Some neat things that did happen is that I did get to ride home from the hospital in a wheelchair transport! It was pretty neat! And I did get some Beautiful flowers! I also got a coloring book

a word finder book from the hospital! Also my grandma's pastor came to visit again after my surgery!

It has been such a blessing to have all the phone calls, texts and Facebook posts from my friends and family. I am truly blessed! Thank you to all! I especially want to thank my Husband, parents and my grandparents! They have been such rocks throughout this week and will be through the next coming weeks! It will be hard not being with my husband these next couple weeks during my rehab but being at my grandma's house will allow him and my parents to come visit! I love you all and thank you all for the prayers and please keep them coming!!

Getting prepared!

This week I have been focused on cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning!!! I have never been more tired of cleaning in my life!!!! I wanted my house to be completely spotless before I left for surgery so that my husband didn't have to do it! But boy is it exhausting! Although it is nice to come home to a nice clean feeling and a clean smell! In two days I have manged to almost clean my entire house! Yay me!

I also have had to finish my class work for a certification program that I started last year! I am almost done with that, I have finished my sewing projects, and still managed to function! Wow, only with God's help is all I can say! All I need to finish now is take my final for my class, go to the grocery store and clean my bathroom! pack my bags and I am ready for this next adventure God has prepared! It is so nice to know that I have a God that is taking care of me! He is providing in ways that are unimaginable to me! Now all I have to do is make it through the next five days, which are going to be tough!, and the Lord will make my back better!

I just don't understand..maybe that is the point

Have you ever felt that you just don't understand why things are going a certain way, and that it seems like it could be going better? Well that is how I am feeling lately... I know we have a lot of good things about to happen for us and I know they are REALLY good things but at the same time there are all these little things that creep up that I feel could go better. Like today for example, I woke up with a sore throat and a runny nose, well if I get sick before this surgery they will have to postpone it. Which may not sound bad to some people, but that is not good for me! I feel like this couldn't have happened at a worse time! I have been doing everything in my power to fight it off today but atlas, its in God's hands not mine. You see, that is the hard part to swallow! The fact that it is in His hands an not mine! The fact that I don't control what happens! Maybe God wants me to not understand, maybe he wants me to just fall apart and say "OK fine, I get it!" Maybe He wants us to know that he has a hold us of at every given moment in our lives! Yes, things are not going exactly as I would like, but they are going as God would like them to!

Pondering

Lately I have had so many things going on that I feel like I have been going non stop trying to get everything accomplished! I have been pondering all these things going on around me, things going on in my life, things going on inside me that I have no control over. I have a very large tendency to worry about things way more than I should. My husband has given me the title of "Worry Wort" :) Which it is sadly true! I do worry, I don't do well with not knowing what is coming my way! With this surgery only a week away and my husbands cross training months away, the unknown is not for from me! I don't like the unknown! I am scared of it, and that fear sometimes turns to frustration because I can't control what is coming.

In my pondering's I have found many things out about myself, things that have come to light recently. I have been very angry at the world. Angry for reasons that make no sense to anyone but me. The thing with anger is that it can drive people away, which can cause fear. Fear that my anger will drive the people I live away. I know that my emotions are in hyper-drive!!!! I was told by my pastor and his wife that chronic pain can go hand in hand with anger, which if you think about it kind makes sense. (maybe to me because I live it! ;) )

My anger isn't a fit of rage, or a type that will hurt anyone. It is more a anger at the pain, the body that I feel is giving out on me. I tend to lash out with my words to whomever is nearest to me. My husband has been taking the brunt of it and I feel horrible about it! I am working with someone to talk through it and praying really hard that God can help me get through this emotional roller coaster.

As I sit here and write this I think about what matters in life, and to be honest what matters the most is what we do for God. But tonight we went and saw the new movie Act of Valor. It has real active Navy Seals in it. It was powerful. It brought me to tears. As a military wife, and family member it brings me back to reality. Our Military gives so much for our country. We should support them, show them we care, pray for them, and most of all, lead them to Jesus. When I watch a military funeral on TV it always makes me cry. Mostly because I know that most military men and women may not be saved, and it strikes close to home too.

When I think about all these things going on, and then I think about my husband, and friends. The people that are going through so much more than me, it all seems pretty insignificant.

Where there is a WILL there is a WAY!

The title of the sermon tonight was "Where there is a Will, there is a Way." That got me thinking of how true that is in my life! I have always been what most people call stubborn, or hard headed. I don't consider myself either one. I see myself as a fighter, independent, self-sufficient. That is also what my parents would call the "Bass Blood" coming out in me! I like to do thing on my own, I have never been the type of person to come out and admit that I need help with something. I will be the first person that jumps to help someone else though, but when it comes to my needs, well let's just say..."I got it!" Here lately with all this pain I have been in it has been such a struggle for me to be the independent person that I am. I have had to depend on my husband and my family, and yes sometimes my co-workers for help. It's hard for me to step back and say I can't do it all on my own anymore. Having people tell me to let them know if there is anything they can do for us when we get home from the hospital is something that I have a hard time answering! I want to be dependent, I want us to be able to handle it on our own, but I know that we wont be able to, and that God has placed wonderful people in our lives for a reason!

The most amazing realization that I have had this week is that this dependency on people is almost over! The Lord is going to allow me to be myself again! I have fought my way through and made a way, I had the will power and the drive to make it and I did! I feel like I am almost at the end of the road on a long journey. The idea that I can be somewhat normal after this surgery is amazing to me! I think I have forgotten what normal is. I guess I will find out soon ;)

Another realization I have had is that Where There was God's WILL, God made a WAY! Praise The LORD! God has provided for us in ways that are beyond our expectations!

When we finally gave up on our will and gave in to His will, things began to happen! It's so exciting to see the power if God at work all around us! I only hope that people can look at us and see that the best thing anyone can do in life is give up on your own plan and your own will, and give in to God's plan and God's will. You will see wonders that will amaze you!

God Working!

Isn't it amazing to sit back and watch God work! I have been told many times in my life that I need to just let go and sit back and let God take care of things, let Him answer my prayers. The past several weeks has been so awesome! It has been one after the other! We got the call about Jon being able to retrain (huge answer!) and then yesterday at the surgeons office we got another answer!

When the surgeon walked in and looked at my MRI he said "Well the good news is, we can fix this." I was just in utter shock! He was completely ready to operate and fix my disc, without any hesitation to my age! I was so happy I couldn't think of the questions I wanted to ask or anything! It took me several seconds to pull myself back together and realize that it was not a dream! This is real, this is what I have been hoping for! Relief from this prison of pain! After he explained everything and we asked all our questions and he left to get the nurse to schedule the surgery, I put my hands over my face and just wanted to weep. Jon looked at me and said "Don't cry! this is good!" I told him that I was so happy I just wanted to cry. I am so happy that finally someone can see that I have exhausted every option and that I need relief. I am happy that some one is willing to do something about it!

So I am scheduled to have the surgery on March the 6th, in three weeks! I have a lot to get done in three weeks! I need to make sure my husband is ready to take care of the house and cook until I am back up on my feet. I need to finish my homework and get this certification course done by then! finish making my pillow I am working on, and hopefully finish my friends pants. If they come in on time. It is going to be a crazy chaotic three weeks! But I know that my Great God is supplying my every need, and all I had to do was turn it over to Him! What an amazing couple weeks it has been just watching God work in our lives!

Vows..

Tonight my husband and I went on a date. It was our Valentines date since we will be traveling the day after Valentines. We went to dinner and saw the new movie "The Vow." I must say, it was not what I expected, but it was a touching story that could have ended better but at least it didn't end sad! the whole story is focused on a husband who is so in love with his wife that he is completely devoted to her. They have a love that is "a once in a lifetime love," until one day a car accident takes her memory and it is gone.

I could not even imagine forgetting being in love with my husband! how horrible is that! Anyway, the point I want to make is that he didn't want to quit, he was committed. He was so in love that he wanted her back. I feel like that should be how I need to look at this fight, as a vow to myself and my husband. Not a marriage vow, but a vow that I will fight till the bitter end. I will not give up. When the rain pours and the winds blow I will stand. I will stand because I know that my husband has vowed to stand with me till death do us part. He deserves for me not to quit! A vow is a pledge and should not be broken, I will not break this one.

I know I have not written much this past week, it has been a hard one for me. My back has been so bad that I have wanted to quit. I have wanted to stay in bed and just do nothing but cry. Those are the days that I remember that I have made this vow, that my husband needs me, my family needs me, my friends need me. I can not give up. So yes, I went to a Love story movie and got inspiration out of it! Who would have thunk it!?!?!

Change in the wind

Sometimes change is just what the doctor ordered. Although not everyone deals with change the same, change is still sometimes the answer to what we need. For me, Change is good and it is coming sooner than I could have imagined!

Several months ago Jon applied for retraining within the Air Force. We thought they had decided to not accept him and that his chance of retraining was gone. We prayed for months for God's will to be done and felt like that maybe it was for Jon to not retrain. But, today we got the answer that God is AWESOME God!!!!!!!! He is allowing Jon to retrain into paralegal! we are so excited that we can not find the words to express!

It is a nerve racking, exciting, heart pounding time for me right now. I know that change in on the horizon and it is coming fast, but my fears are outweighing my joys. I have to keep telling myself that God is in control, He has the bigger picture. He sees the entire plan for my life. I have no idea what will happen in the coming months, but God does and he has got our lives in his hands! He is the master potter, molding our lives into what he wants.

So change is in the winds for the Rector's... we don't know what it is, but we do know who holds us! So please be in prayer for us as we go through these couple months that We can get through them and that God guides us to where he wants us!

An energetic day!

So today I went to the doctor for follow up and the doctor decided that he would give me B12 pills, hoping that it would give me some energy. I took the pills this morning and surprisingly, they have made me feel "alive" as I would like to call it. I had so much energy at work, I was more awake! It was not a day without pain, but It was a day with energy which is good! Then I found out that I got a raise, and a small bonus at work! So all in all it was a good day! I have not had a good day in a long time!

I was told by my boss, concerning work, that it is not how you start but how you finish. That phrase has stuck with me. It's not how I have started this journey but how I am going to finish! I am going to finish strong!

The power of music

Some people say that music has no power, but I have to disagree. I believe that music has some of the most power in our lives. It has the power to affect our mood,touch our hearts, inspire us, change our minds, makes us fall in love, and so many other things. More than anything else, music has the power to speak to us spiritually. God speaks to his people in many ways and I know that music is one of the most powerful ways. Worship services at church are all about music and that is when God stirs my heart most often. Not just in church, but it can be in the car too!

Last night at church we had our fifth Sunday singing service. Every single song fit together like one giant puzzle. Even though I sang during the service, I still felt like God had me there just so I could here those songs. The songs fit together with the struggles that I am going through and how that God is my provider. He is my anchor, my light, He is the Potter. I was reminder that In Christ alone is my strength, that he makes beautiful things out of me, that His blessings come through raindrops, and I should bless his name through every single struggle I come through! Song after song I had to hold back the flood of tears that wanted to come out because God was touching me in a way that I needed more than ever. At the end of the service all I could do was say, "Thank you Lord!" because I did need that reminder that He is working, and I am not going through this alone.

Resting

Resting, something that I have always struggled with. There is such a small difference in resting and sleeping. My sleeping habits have never been consistent, well I wont say never. Just not in a long time. Here lately since my husband has been on swing shift I have been up later so I have been sleeping in late, which actually works to my advantage. My body sleeps better during the day anyway!! The point I am trying to make is that I have always struggled with finding the difference between getting the rest I need and the sleep I need.

I have come to find that the real rest is in Christ. He gives me all the rejuvenation that I need! Of course my physical body is going to still need the rest and sleep, but in order to fight this illness and beat this struggle that I am in I am going to need the rest that Christ gives me. This journey has not been what I expected and there has definitely been bumps, but I know that the trials ahead will only bring me to the future God has planned for me. That future is far better and far more than I can ever dream of because I have a great God! So hear I am Resting in HIM, following his plan and guidance for my life and this journey that I am on.

Just Breathe

Sometimes I find myself so overwhelmed with the drama and stress of work, and dealing with my health and sometimes just life in general can get so chaotic that I have to tell myself that I need to just breathe. Breathe in and breathe out, just over and over again. Sometimes it works in relaxing me and sometimes it doesn't. The last several days, well actually weeks, have been quite tough for me. I have not felt well and can't figure it out and work has been tough ( I won't even go there!) so I can say that I feel like I have been pretty much just going through the motions lately. I have almost come out of the deep whole of "almost" depression, but I still have my days where I am sad and want to quit the battle that I fight every day within. On those days I have to say to myself "Katie, Just breathe, its going to be OK. You can do this. God has got this!" No, it doesn't take away all the sadness, nor does it by any means make me feel better but it does remind me that I have a big God that is on my side!

Today was one of those "Just Breathe" days. Several times I just had to breathe in and breathe out. It didn't make the day any less sucky but it did make me calmer. and it does remind me that God has control. No matter what happens at work, no matter what happens with the doctors, or no matter what happens to me, My GOD has control. That is my new focus this year, That God has CONTROL!!! So I need to just breathe and it will be OK!

A Rainbow of Promises :)

I saw a full Rainbow today for the first time today! I was so excited, It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! While I was standing outside the door of my work staring at this rainbow, I thought of all God's promises and that I am going to be ok! That beautiful Rainbow was in the sky at the exact moment I needed to see it! Thank you Lord! God has promised that I am not alone, that he has a plan, that he is in control, and that no matter what happens down the road in my life that He is going to be the one that I turn to and the one that can help me! God is good All the time!!! He gives us so many promises that He will keep!

My life in one sentence... "A Working Progress"

Well Let's just say that is has been a very long and exhausting day, and it's not done yet. Since my husband is working all night, he sleeps during the day which would not be so bad if I was not home during the day! But alas I am so any housework I want to get done must get done at night while he is at work. So my days are flip flopped! I rest and relax in the morning and clean at night!

I said all that to say this, while I was doing my dishes after cooking dinner I began to just let my mind wonder... which I must admit it does quite often :) I began to think about my life, and if someone was to ask me how would I describe my life in one sentence what would it be. Most people would have to really think on that one, not me. Instantly I thought to myself " A working progress" Yep, that's me alright... I am definitely in need of some work, not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I know that God is continually working in all of our lives to make us who He wants us to be, but I believe that He is working in me to repair the damage that has been done over the years, not to make me who I was.. But to make me BETTER! Make me a vessel to be used by Him, for what purpose you may ask me? Well to be honest, I have no idea, but I do know this, God has a reason for everything He puts into our lives and I know that there is a reason why I have been through what I have and what I am going through now. A reason unknown to me, but not to God!

I got a text tonight from a friend that really brought the reality of the life that I live to me, not the medical part but the military aspect of my life, I know I may not have said it but my husband is in the military. At any day he could come home with a piece of paper that says we are moving to a new place, and that we need to adapt. It is not an easy life, but I chose it the moment I fell for him and I knew exactly what I was getting into. But I always seem to forget that when we make friends with people who are military that they live with that reality too. and when they have to leave and learn to adapt it hurts my heart to have to let them go. But I know that God has something great in store for them! I love them dearly and am going to miss them more than they know. But God has the whole picture and I don't, I only have my tiny little piece of the puzzle and its hard to see what the outcome will be. But that is where our Faith kicks in.

For those of you wondering, my glucose test went fine this morning.. it was top 5 worst experiences of my life! The test came back normal and so did the blood test so I am not Hypoglycemic. Most all the other lab test came back normal as well to, so basically I still don't know why I feel like crud most the time! But that is OK, because my God has the answer and in his time he will show me!

Taking it easy...

Its been a few days since I have put anything up here, and there has actually been many things on my mind but I guess I needed some time to sort through my thoughts. The hardest lesson I have been trying to learn in life is that I have no "real" control over anything, God does. So when I am feeling bad and I can't seem to find the answers or the doctors are not helping, or it seems that way, I get frustrated and nothing goes the right way. Well I am learning to do thing s differently. I am going to call it "taking it easy" which means that I am no longer going to worry about what the answers are or when the will come, because I trust that my God is going to give me the answers when He is ready for me to hear them! It is hard to just sit back and take a moment and just let the answers come to me, it has never been my strongest area! But God knows my weaknesses and my strengths and He know what I can handle and what I can't!

So tonight I have to fast for my glucose test in the morning and it is kinda freaking me out a little, but I am telling myself that God is in control, he has me in his hands! I am all by myself since Jon is on the night shift and has to work till 7 am :( but my fears are being put in the hands of my Savior and I am trusting in Him! He will protect me and keep me safe through the night!

So I am going to read my Bible and relax with the TV and then head to bed and hopefully I will get some sleep!

Hope

This little book was given to me from my pastors wife yesterday. It gave me such a smile when I opened it up and read the note she wrote me and the read the first chapter! It is filled with encouraging quotes and scriptures all about HOPE! WOW! Boy did I need that more than ever, and I love how my God works through other people!

"Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see." ~ Corrie Ten Boom

What a perfect quote for me to read straight out of the book that was just given to me! It is amazing how God begins to move when we surrender and give him the reigns! I am so in awe sometimes of how much he is working around me to bring me to the place I need to be. Hope Is what I long for, hope that this pain won't last forever, hope that I can get this blood sugar under control, hope that my future has children in it, hope that this is not end for me! God has a plan, and I will do what I takes to follow that plan and live my life accordingly!

Tomorrow morning is my appointment for the doctors to hopefully figure out what is going on with my blood sugar levels, so here is to a good nights sleep and steady sugar levels! I know that my God will supply ALL, not some, of my needs! Until next time!!

If You Want Me To

I have had this song on my heart for a while. The lyrics speak so truly of my life, I am not who I was when I first began my journey of faith. God never promised that we would have it easy in this life, But he did promise that we didn't have to do it alone! Isn't that the best thing any Christian can ask for? I know that I can't make it to the finish line on my own, I get weak and tired and I need my God to sustain me. When I looked this song up on the internet I thought of a friend that is on bedrest because of some complications with her pregnancy, and another friend who just had he baby early, and yet another friend who also had her baby early. There are many people that I know that I walking through the "fire" and I hope that they read this blog and listen to this song and God encourages their heart, as it encourages mine. This song gives me the push I need sometimes to keep going, even when I feel like there is nothing left in me, I can pray and know that I am not alone and God is going to pull me through the "fire."

Trust in the Lord

Psalm 7:1

O LORD my God, in the do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me:

Just last night on our way home from some friends Jon and I were talking about this video that we were shown. It was a parody of worship songs of how Christians only give Christ some and not ALL, and how we are more focused on us and our lives here on earth than what we were put on this Earth to do, serve our LORD and Saviour! I looked at my husband and said, "now, I am giving Him everything. I am so lost I cant do this on my own." Then he open the reading for Sunday while I was taking my bath last night and he read Psalm 7:1. And talk about a God moment! Just two weeks ago I felt like all hope was gone, that I was going to fall off this emotional cliff and be lost forever (figuratively speaking) then I decided I needed someone to talk to. So I found that someone and she has helped guide me back from the ledge. Without her prayers and guidance, I think I might be lost. So Thank you. As I lay here on my couch I just think about all God has shown me this weekend, and I am amazed. The things that I have uncovered with His guidance and the help of my mom and dad have been so enlightening!

So what I am trying to say is this, Trusting is no easy task! It doesn't come over night, it comes with prayer and prayer and lots more prayer. I am no where near where I need to be, but God knows I am trying and He is providing!

Whatever You're Doing.....

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

(Whatever You're Doing By Sanctus Real)

Chaos is definitely the word I would use to describe how I feel on the inside, or maybe just a huge jumbled mess. My emotions are getting the best of me and I feel like I am losing control...But somewhere in the midst of it all I am finding peace, peace from my Savior that is guiding my life and taking me somewhere better than this. Today My blood sugar dropped dangerously low and I was on the phone with my mom and she was encouraging me and telling me that God always has a plan for what happens in our lives. She is completely right. If I would have gone that that appointment in Texas this weekend I would not have had the encouragement nor the knowledge of my sugar going to low. I am learning to give God my all, and not some but ALL! He is the only one with the answer to why I feel bad and the only physician who can heal me! I am so thankful he put the people in my life that have helped me this week! I feel like I have made strides toward being happy again and not just sad, so to all my friends who have talked to me, I say THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

A reminder of what is to come....

The last several weeks I have been so tired that I just cant seem to keep my eyes open at times. I have been falling asleep while driving, in church, at work and it just seems like my body is shutting down when that happens. On Wednesday I talked to my mom at church about it and she decided that she would drive me home that night. Well on the way home she was telling me that when she was first trying to control her blood sugar that when it got to low she had the same experience that I am having. She told me that I should monitor my sugar levels for a while and see if they were low and if that was causing my fatigue. She gave me one of her extra monitor things and I have been keeping track of it since Thursday night. It has been considerably low for me, and has not been consistent. So I have been trying to keep it level and keep myself on my feet, but it has not been easy. I have been so tired that the slightest thing makes me exhausted. But needles to say that I am trying and that I know God has a reason for what He does!

But today I was reminded of what I had with my friends and my life where I was once happy. I saw an old friend today while I was at the commissary. It was so good to see Whitney and her husband and their adorable little baby girl, Baileigh! I have missed seeing them and seeing them! It was encouraging to hear that Whitney was reading my little blog that I try to write every night, made me realize that I do have friends that still care and love me! And I am more determined now to push through this and make it to the light at the end of the what seems like an endless tunnel!!!

So I want to say thank you to Whitney and Phil for that reminder of what is to come when I get through this!

The Little things can make you smile

I have been in such a "Funk" lately that I thought all hope of anything making me truly smile was gone; until today. This morning when I was doing my devotions and prayer time I prayed that God would help me find a way to make me smile and truly be happy. That I could slowly find my way out of this what seems like darkness that I have been in. So When I got off work today I went to check the mail like I do every day and I saw a card addressed to us in a kids handwriting. When I looked closer I saw that it was from our nieces. They had simply wrote us a letter that said they loved us. That was all. And the Smile and almost tears that it brings to my face makes me know that there is hope for me and that God is working. Satan has no hold over me! Not when I get on my knees before my God! I am so thankful that he could use my little nieces to make me feel better! So I want to say thank you to them, thank you for loving us as your aunt and uncle! Thank you for thinking about us! and we miss all three of you so much!

A Faith that saves!

"Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed,My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long? Return, O LORD, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake." Psalm 6:2-4

Grace:a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior

God's grace is infinite, and ever flowing. I was told today by someone close that We as Christians need to have the kind of faith that is intangible. In other words, knowing that his grace will sustain us through our day, week, month, and year. It is easy to have tangible faith, something we can see, but the intangible is where we mostly all probably struggle. I know I do. I struggle with the part of knowing that God's grace and mercy is sufficient to hold me up and keep me going to the end. 2012 is the year that is going to change. I am praying for the kind of faith in the intangible not just the tangible. I need to know that God's grace and mercy are going to sustain me. God is the one with the answers, I need to dig deeper into his word to find them! That is what I learned about myself today, I learned that I have issues with the intangible faith... So my prayer is not only for that but also for others around me to have it to. Just think of what a difference it would make in the world if we all that had down! If well all cold master the intangible faith! What a world that would be!!! I am glad I have a faith that can save me from the darkness that is trying to fight for my life! I am glad that I have God's mercy to help me fight Satan to get my life back and get it on track!!

A weight that needs to be lifted...Day # 8

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis

Pain is something that every human experiences, some more than others and some longer than others. Pain comes in many forms~ Physical, emotional, mental, and even sometimes there can be a spiritual pain when you are fighting against the devil. But I feel as though I have all of the above forms of pain, and I have tried for so many years to fight and to overcome that I have somehow lost myself in the process. I have felt myself slip away to where I dont know who I am any more. My worst fear through all of these trials the last 8 years has that I would lose myself and fall into a place that I dont want to be. I fear that I am going to that place. I need to find myself again, I need to see the person that I am shine through he sadness and pain of this physical body.

So I am trying to do something that can get me out of the house and into the world and away from my own mind. so tonight I made Gluten free Low sugar Chocolate chip cookies (which are amazing!) and I forced myself to get up and do laundry and clean up the house some today. I am so thankful that I have my family and my friends to help me through these times in my life where I feel lost and helpless. But I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything He allows to happen to me. I try to remind myself of this every day. To let myself know that I am not alone in this and that I have hope in then end of this tunnel.

I know this week is going to be a hard week for me and a very long one and I hope that we can get some answers from the doctor on Friday. And I will get to spend some time with my grandparents this weekend which will be encouraging for me. So I am off to spend some much needed time in God's word.

Learning a new way to budget.....Day# 6

One of the main things that doctors will tell any patient that is newly diagnosed with fibromyalgia is that fatigue is somthing that you will have to learn to manage. Well, when I decided that I was gonna take back my life this year I began to do some research on fibro. One of the things I learned that has been I think one of the hardest to learn to do is "budget" my energy. Because with me, I don't have any energy during the day, well let me rephrase that, I have some energy but not very much. So it is very important that I decide what is important and what is less important...and so forth. Well for me it's tough, finding that balance that is just right to where when I get home I am not so exhausted and hurting so much that I just want to lay down and do nothing the rest of the day.

Well today was one of those days where my "budgeting" skills were lacking. I had an early doctors appointment so I had to get up and go to that and my appointment ran long so I raced home, changed clothes and went straight to work. And I do believe that in doing that and so quickly I might add, that I used alot of energy and then at work I was working all three lanes of the drive thru by myself. Which I honestly don't know why I did not close one!! who knows, I guess I just was not paying attention.... But after all that I was exhausted, and hurting so home bound I was at 2. And couch ridden I have been since then...

But on the bright side I was able to eat some sense of fast food tonight. My husband wanted to grab some quick food and there is not many places that I can go eat! But I then remembered that chick-Fil-A could grill their chicken strips and I can eat those! needless to say I was excited! So I had some amazing grilled chicken strips for dinner! And of course I had to eat a few waffle fries, how could I not! They are amazing!!!

So Now that It is 10:30 p.m and I have work early in the morning I think I am now going to go take my daily Epson salt bath and go to sleep, or at least try to! Good night all!!!

Day #5

Well...Not much more to say than what I posted about my Starbucks earlier. Except that I am feeling ok today. Not great But not horrible either. I have managed to cook dinner every night this week which I am very proud of myself! So I hope you have a good night!

They joys in life

There are some the simple things in life that just make your day better! Starbucks is one those things! I went to the doctor to this morning and after my extremely fast visit I decided I wanted Starbucks.

Since my new lifestyle, I mean diet, change I thought that I could not have Starbucks any more! I thought life was over!!!! But then one night my mom took me shopping and enlightened me that I could have it made decaf and Skinny (sugar free!) I was ecstatic!

So today when I get to Starbucks I found I order my Peppermint Mocha, Decaf, skinny and no whip. I get my drink and when I go to sip it, my face just twists! I knew that it was so not Decaf!!! I asked the lady if she made it decaf and she said "No." I promptly asked her to remake it! I had to laugh at my self! I can now tell the difference between decaf and caffeine! I found it funny that when you take yourself off certain things that over a certain period that you can find the difference!

A Good Day! ~ Day #4

So for those of you who know me, you know that I am a major
Oreo Fan!! Love them like no other!!! So when the doctor told me no sugar that was the first that that crossed my mind..."I can't have Oreo's..." I was suddenly saddened by that fact. Well today I went to Wal-mart and found me some sugar-free Oreos!! Oh My how it made my day a little bit brighter! It is the little things in life that can make realize that I can do this!

So now that I am done telling you about my love of Oreos, my day was pretty good! Well...Minus work, which never seems to be good these day! After work I went and met

my best friend Elizabeth for some lunch and much needed catch up time before she heads of to school for her last semester before her graduation. It was so good to see her!! I have really missed her these past couple years!

After my little lunch date I headed off to Wal-mart (where I found my oreos!) to get some mirrors for a little home artsy project! I had some old candle holders and some sand and seashells and wanted to make a centerpiece!

So I would say That I have had a really good day! I have budgeted my energy well today and I have not had to much pain and I have done fairly well on my diet! so here is to a good day and hopefully many many more!!!

Oh and P.S. I Loved the Oreos! cant even Tell they are Sugar Free!!!!! LOL :) And I am praying tomorrow is a good day too!

The Well~ By Casting Crowns

My mom brought this song to me the other day and I listened to it and fell in love with it instantly. I am already A Casting Crowns fan but this song speaks to me in ways that other songs cant. When I hear this song I am reminded that during all this craziness in life I can always go to the WELL! God's Well gives me life, love, laughter, and everything I need for this life! If you haven't heard the song, don't just read these lyrics- go right now to Google and find it and listen and it will surely speak to you like it did me!

Leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
Leave it all behind

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricenter.com/e56459-casting_crowns~the_well_lyrics.html ]
I have what you need, but you keep on searching
I've done all the work, but you keep on working
When you're running on empty
And you can't find the remedy
Just come to the well
You can spend your whole life
Chasing what's missing
But that empty inside, it just ain't gonna listen
When nothing can satisfy
And the world leaves you high and dry
Just come to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more
And all who search will find
What their souls long for
The world will try but it can never fill
So leave it all behind
And come to the well

So bring me your heart, no matter how broken
Just come as you are, when your last prayer is spoken
Just rest in my arms a while
You'll feel a change, my child
When you come to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more
And all who search will find
What their souls long for
The world will try but it can never fill
So leave it all behind
And come to the well

The world will try but it can never fill
So leave it all behind

And now that you're full of love beyond measure
Your joy's gonna flow like a stream in the desert
Soon all the world will see
Living water is found in me
‘Cause you've come to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more
And all who search will find
What their souls long for
The world will try but it can never fill
So leave it all behind
And come to the well
Leave it all behind
And come to the well

Leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
Leave it all behind

Your pursuit of perfection (leave it all behind)
Your fear of rejection (leave it all behind)
Your temporary pleasures (leave it all behind)
All your earthly treasures (leave it all behind)
Dried up empty religion (leave it all behind)
Rusty chains of addiction (leave it all behind)
All the guilt that weighs you down (leave it all behind)
Just leave it all behind and come to the well

Mush of a day~Day#3

Well today is what I think I am gonna start calling a mush of a day. It Started out pretty good and is ending pretty bad. I woke up around 9 this morning and decided to make some gluten free muffins (with real blue berries!) Even though they weren't that low in sugar, they were still pretty good. After my daily dose of Bible reading and prayer I started my day. Did some sewing and mostly rested. About one this afternoon I began to feel kinda yucky.which for me is no good. I went to work at around three today and still not feeling well. I thought that I could push through it.

An hour later, it was very busy and of course I had a headache and my entire body hurt and at the same time every single customer was getting on my nerves! I felt like I was being pushed over the edge of my emotional cliff. I excused myself and went to the bathroom and sat on the floor and prayed for strength and prayed that God would help the pain. Of course I could not help but let the tears flow. I was ruining my makeup!! was the first thing I thought! How can I go back out there with my face all messed up? but I did, and of course my boss walks over and asks how I am doing and hugs me and I lose it all over again! She asks If I can make it till closing and I look at her through my tears and shake my head no.

So hear I am at home on my couch writing this post, laying on my heating pad. I have taken my meds and am feeling a little better. I am truly blessed that God gave me a supportive husband who helped me with the things I couldnt do because of the pain and helped me get settled on the couch and comfy.

So I will say that today was not a triumph or a victory or a failure today was simply mush. I cant say that it was a set back because I don't feel as though it was. But I do feel like it was mush!! So now I am really glad dinner is in the crockpot and I can lay here for the rest of the night!!

The beginning Day #2

Well Its the second day of 2012 and I think that I have had a rocky start to this whole taking back my life thing! So let's see on Sunday, which was New Years, I awoke to the fact that I could not move and decided that church was just not going to happen. I was extremely sad about that by the way! I really did want to start my year right! In church worshiping my Lord! But instead I was stuck in my bed with my heating pad, which has become my really good friend! ;)I was able to read my daily reading from the Bible that day and spent some much needed time with God. But on the brighter side (A side I am learning to look at more often) I was able to get up and go have lunch with my parents at their house and go to my cousins birthday party. It wasn't a total waste of a day!

Now Today was completely different than yesterday! How crazy is it that Satan always attacks my body and I hurt more on God's day than any other day! Today I was able to sleep in with my hubby and make breakfast together this morning!! Well Actually it was more of a brunch LOL!

This Journey that I am on is not going to be an easy one this year, that is for sure! Things will be very different for me and my husband as we start to take my life back from the Fibromyalgia, the arthritis, and the back pain. But this one thing I do know~ God is with me, each and ever single step of the way. I have my Husband, who without I would be lost and have no hope. I have my family who supports me and loves me. I have my church family who prays for me and my friends who love and pray for me. So I know that I am not alone, and I have never been alone, never once in these 8 years have I ever had to go through any of this alone. God has truly blessed!

The main things that are going to change to begin with are my diet~ I am no longer allowed to eat the amount of sugar that I LOVE!!!!!!!! It has been HORRIBLE!!!! No Sweet Tea, Soda, Milk, or juices. I am also no longer allowed to eat anything with Gluten in it~ which means no, pasta, breads, crackers, cheez its :( or any type of bread product. This has been one of the toughest changes for me! Having to read the labels of everything I buy = more time in the grocery store! But with all the help and support and prayer I can do it!

We are starting our year with a clean house and clean minds and clean hearts! We are ready for whatever God has to teach us this year! we are ready to Grow in the Knowledge of God's grace!