If You Want Me To

I have had this song on my heart for a while. The lyrics speak so truly of my life, I am not who I was when I first began my journey of faith. God never promised that we would have it easy in this life, But he did promise that we didn't have to do it alone! Isn't that the best thing any Christian can ask for? I know that I can't make it to the finish line on my own, I get weak and tired and I need my God to sustain me. When I looked this song up on the internet I thought of a friend that is on bedrest because of some complications with her pregnancy, and another friend who just had he baby early, and yet another friend who also had her baby early. There are many people that I know that I walking through the "fire" and I hope that they read this blog and listen to this song and God encourages their heart, as it encourages mine. This song gives me the push I need sometimes to keep going, even when I feel like there is nothing left in me, I can pray and know that I am not alone and God is going to pull me through the "fire."

Trust in the Lord

Psalm 7:1

O LORD my God, in the do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me:

Just last night on our way home from some friends Jon and I were talking about this video that we were shown. It was a parody of worship songs of how Christians only give Christ some and not ALL, and how we are more focused on us and our lives here on earth than what we were put on this Earth to do, serve our LORD and Saviour! I looked at my husband and said, "now, I am giving Him everything. I am so lost I cant do this on my own." Then he open the reading for Sunday while I was taking my bath last night and he read Psalm 7:1. And talk about a God moment! Just two weeks ago I felt like all hope was gone, that I was going to fall off this emotional cliff and be lost forever (figuratively speaking) then I decided I needed someone to talk to. So I found that someone and she has helped guide me back from the ledge. Without her prayers and guidance, I think I might be lost. So Thank you. As I lay here on my couch I just think about all God has shown me this weekend, and I am amazed. The things that I have uncovered with His guidance and the help of my mom and dad have been so enlightening!

So what I am trying to say is this, Trusting is no easy task! It doesn't come over night, it comes with prayer and prayer and lots more prayer. I am no where near where I need to be, but God knows I am trying and He is providing!

Whatever You're Doing.....

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

(Whatever You're Doing By Sanctus Real)

Chaos is definitely the word I would use to describe how I feel on the inside, or maybe just a huge jumbled mess. My emotions are getting the best of me and I feel like I am losing control...But somewhere in the midst of it all I am finding peace, peace from my Savior that is guiding my life and taking me somewhere better than this. Today My blood sugar dropped dangerously low and I was on the phone with my mom and she was encouraging me and telling me that God always has a plan for what happens in our lives. She is completely right. If I would have gone that that appointment in Texas this weekend I would not have had the encouragement nor the knowledge of my sugar going to low. I am learning to give God my all, and not some but ALL! He is the only one with the answer to why I feel bad and the only physician who can heal me! I am so thankful he put the people in my life that have helped me this week! I feel like I have made strides toward being happy again and not just sad, so to all my friends who have talked to me, I say THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

A reminder of what is to come....

The last several weeks I have been so tired that I just cant seem to keep my eyes open at times. I have been falling asleep while driving, in church, at work and it just seems like my body is shutting down when that happens. On Wednesday I talked to my mom at church about it and she decided that she would drive me home that night. Well on the way home she was telling me that when she was first trying to control her blood sugar that when it got to low she had the same experience that I am having. She told me that I should monitor my sugar levels for a while and see if they were low and if that was causing my fatigue. She gave me one of her extra monitor things and I have been keeping track of it since Thursday night. It has been considerably low for me, and has not been consistent. So I have been trying to keep it level and keep myself on my feet, but it has not been easy. I have been so tired that the slightest thing makes me exhausted. But needles to say that I am trying and that I know God has a reason for what He does!

But today I was reminded of what I had with my friends and my life where I was once happy. I saw an old friend today while I was at the commissary. It was so good to see Whitney and her husband and their adorable little baby girl, Baileigh! I have missed seeing them and seeing them! It was encouraging to hear that Whitney was reading my little blog that I try to write every night, made me realize that I do have friends that still care and love me! And I am more determined now to push through this and make it to the light at the end of the what seems like an endless tunnel!!!

So I want to say thank you to Whitney and Phil for that reminder of what is to come when I get through this!

The Little things can make you smile

I have been in such a "Funk" lately that I thought all hope of anything making me truly smile was gone; until today. This morning when I was doing my devotions and prayer time I prayed that God would help me find a way to make me smile and truly be happy. That I could slowly find my way out of this what seems like darkness that I have been in. So When I got off work today I went to check the mail like I do every day and I saw a card addressed to us in a kids handwriting. When I looked closer I saw that it was from our nieces. They had simply wrote us a letter that said they loved us. That was all. And the Smile and almost tears that it brings to my face makes me know that there is hope for me and that God is working. Satan has no hold over me! Not when I get on my knees before my God! I am so thankful that he could use my little nieces to make me feel better! So I want to say thank you to them, thank you for loving us as your aunt and uncle! Thank you for thinking about us! and we miss all three of you so much!

A Faith that saves!

"Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed,My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long? Return, O LORD, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake." Psalm 6:2-4

Grace:a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior

God's grace is infinite, and ever flowing. I was told today by someone close that We as Christians need to have the kind of faith that is intangible. In other words, knowing that his grace will sustain us through our day, week, month, and year. It is easy to have tangible faith, something we can see, but the intangible is where we mostly all probably struggle. I know I do. I struggle with the part of knowing that God's grace and mercy is sufficient to hold me up and keep me going to the end. 2012 is the year that is going to change. I am praying for the kind of faith in the intangible not just the tangible. I need to know that God's grace and mercy are going to sustain me. God is the one with the answers, I need to dig deeper into his word to find them! That is what I learned about myself today, I learned that I have issues with the intangible faith... So my prayer is not only for that but also for others around me to have it to. Just think of what a difference it would make in the world if we all that had down! If well all cold master the intangible faith! What a world that would be!!! I am glad I have a faith that can save me from the darkness that is trying to fight for my life! I am glad that I have God's mercy to help me fight Satan to get my life back and get it on track!!

A weight that needs to be lifted...Day # 8

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis

Pain is something that every human experiences, some more than others and some longer than others. Pain comes in many forms~ Physical, emotional, mental, and even sometimes there can be a spiritual pain when you are fighting against the devil. But I feel as though I have all of the above forms of pain, and I have tried for so many years to fight and to overcome that I have somehow lost myself in the process. I have felt myself slip away to where I dont know who I am any more. My worst fear through all of these trials the last 8 years has that I would lose myself and fall into a place that I dont want to be. I fear that I am going to that place. I need to find myself again, I need to see the person that I am shine through he sadness and pain of this physical body.

So I am trying to do something that can get me out of the house and into the world and away from my own mind. so tonight I made Gluten free Low sugar Chocolate chip cookies (which are amazing!) and I forced myself to get up and do laundry and clean up the house some today. I am so thankful that I have my family and my friends to help me through these times in my life where I feel lost and helpless. But I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything He allows to happen to me. I try to remind myself of this every day. To let myself know that I am not alone in this and that I have hope in then end of this tunnel.

I know this week is going to be a hard week for me and a very long one and I hope that we can get some answers from the doctor on Friday. And I will get to spend some time with my grandparents this weekend which will be encouraging for me. So I am off to spend some much needed time in God's word.